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Sunday, November 30, 2008Y
my latest frustration

ensc10-a aka: Engineering drawing
Randomness:
how lucky i am to have a seatmate who's really good in drawing?
just imagine how much frustration i have to handle everytime he finishes first with uber clean plates.
Define unclean: MY PLATES
Quote: When you dont have the gifts, you should double your efforts.
Background music during the period : Lost by Coldplay

heart blue w/ glitter 6:06 PM

i dont have the right

i am to go back again to lb but i really really dont want to go. the journey back is very tiring and boring too as i wont be travelling with zyan. she can go tomorrow, i cant or else i would miss another math 36 class which i really cant afford because ive been absent for a number of times now. So long incentives.

My dad is here.This happens to be a very rare occassion cause he works abroad. As much as possible, i wanted to spend more time at home than in any place else. But i cant.

i just cant. my things should be packed by now but they arent. only goes to show how i dont have the will to go but i should. i will...yah later.

i remember my former roomate's line during tuesdays or whenever it hits her that another week of school is awaiting:
"balik na naman sa realidad"

right. this is reality for me. something i decided for myself which apparently, i cant change until after this school year ends. i regret my decisions but i dont get to complain. I dont have the right to says my dad. Fine. but it doesnt change the fact that i get tired travelling to-and-fro every week.

i wish Santa truly exists so a red hot car would pop out in front of me for christmas.

or my parents would be kind to give me a car for my 18th.

so much for wishful thinking.

heart blue w/ glitter 5:20 PM

Saturday, November 15, 2008Y
of Death

Death is in our destiny. It is a fate inevitable for mortals. We are all going to die sooner or later.However, no one really knows when one's time is and that is the most painful truth of death. One day, you'll just be surprised to find out that one of the dear persons in your life is already gone. That, really is bad because you have never even said your goodbyes cause you dont really expect such a sad news. All you'll be able to do is to look back to the good memories you have because however hard you wish you can never spend time again with that person.

my lola died today. i learned of it from a text message from my cousin which says

merylle, wala na si lola kani kanina lang. pasabihan nalang parents mo

as i have said,all one can do is look back and so i try to remember the days i spent in her house during the summers with my siblings and cousins when we were still young. i remember how she always wanted her back be scratched every now and then. i remember the odd taste of Lucky Me she used to prepare for breakfast or for dinner. i remember how very religious she was - Her devotion to Mama Mary was really very strong that she would always make sure that we pray the rosary with her every night.i remembered how she had scold me when i took the shower with the boys.my lola was the very maria clara type. So, she was really furious with me but i was very young then to be conscious of my gender- not to mention that i was in the stage of having penis envy (that's according to freud )but because she had been very furious i never took the shower again with them. i had this fear of her back then, but nonetheless i can say that she is one of the kindest person who lived.

Well, those were the days, the summer days. In a blink, everything has been flashed forwarded. Everything has changed. We have grown and her strength has weakend. Their house has been renovated too. And so the room we used to share with her during the vacations changed. The changes as i can say was beyond physical terms. it is now dark as if the ambience has gotten bleaker with the fall of her strenght. I want to remember her- the summer version and so i should repressed the memory of the weak her in her weary room. But i cant do that as one cant really force a memory to be repressed. Therefore, i just have to really as in really try hard to remember those summer days with the still strong and vibrant her version.

I know she's already somewhere peaceful. After all , she is one of the kindest person to live on earth. who knows she could be a saint. i just wish that i have the chance to hug her real hard and hear her talk for one last time.

With her death, i realized that i am wrong to be so cold to the people who are really very dear to me. this may sound so cheesy, but you really have to show how you feel for a person you really love or else be regretful in the end. i, myself, am one of those persons who hate cheesy-ness and the likes but based on experience i suppose that i should forget about caring for my ego so much. Because neither of the cheesy lines :I love you nor take care cause i care nor i miss you is that hard to say. However one hates to admit it, sweetness and love is much needed by everyone. I almost lost a brother because of a car accident. So what the heck?

heart blue w/ glitter 2:14 AM